So last night I accidentally watched the majority of the BET Hip Hop Awards. It turned out to be far more entertaining than I thought for one reason: my mother. Below is a partial transcript of my mother's take on the show.
JACINTA: You're watching the BET Hip Hop Awards? [makes strange face].
MOM: [shrugs] I just turned the TV on and this is what was on.
JACINTA: Oh, I was watching The Game earlier.
....About 15 minutes into the broadcast.....
MOM: Why are they yelling? Why? What is wrong with them? ....Why are they screaming at me?!
JACINTA: Oh, that's just DJ Khaled. He likes to scream a lot. It's kind of his thing.
MOM: [frowning] Well, he sounds like the kids that do our announcements at school: "Yo, this is DJ C with the morning announcements!!" And then they just scream the entire way through the announcements.What is wrong with these people?
.....After flipping briefly to an especially disturbing episode of Law & Order: SVU.....flips back...
JACINTA: I'm ashamed to say I kind of like this Soulja Boy song. Me and Mike sing this all of the time: "Every.body.pay.attention...." [dancing]...
JACINTA: Wait, there is no dance to this song? Shouldn't he be doing the Pretty Boy Swag? He really needs a dance to this song. He looks retarded.
MOM: [Looking at Jacinta like she's retarded]. He needs to pull his pants up. He can barely move. This is not hip-hop.
JACINTA: Is that Cortez? Why do they keep showing him? He's not even a rapper. They do know that, right?
.....After flipping back to SVU and watching Olivia actually kiss a man and wear a dress....flips back...
MOM: [looks horrified] "What?! Coochie Man! What?!"
JACINTA: No, he said GUCCI Mane.
MOM: Uh-uh. I definitely heard him. He said, "Coochie" coochie man. Who are these ghetto people?
...flips back to watch the oozing sexual tension between Olivia and Stabler. Just kiss already...sheesh....flips back...
JACINTA: [Laughing hysterically] Every time I see this dude, I think of Khalil [four-year old cousin] dead-panning to his dad's friend: "Um, your baby looks like Waka Flaka Flame."
....flips back to Law & Order....
MOM: Wait, let me see Waka Waka Flocking Flooka Flame....
MOM: Oh, he looks crazy. What is he doing? Why is he screaming? Why is he jumping? Where is he going?
JACINTA: You know he got really famous after being shot at the gas station around the corner from where I used to stay.
MOM: [shakes head]
JACINTA: And now you see why I've been so frustrated with being a music writer for the past few years.
MOM: Yes, I do. [sighs]
MOM: Now, why is P.Diddy bobbing his head? He knows he doesn't like this shit. He knows he's thinking: "I guess I better pretend to like this..uhhhh...."
...flips briefly to A Different World, where sadly, they are still showing episodes from the first season, which all pretty much sucked...flips back...
JACINTA: Wow. It's Antoine Dodson. That guy I showed you on the Internet.
MOM: That's really him, huh? [looks impressed].
JACINTA: [stares at MOM].
MOM: It's nice that he got a house of it though.
JACINTA: [shrugs] I guess.
....flips to see Kenan Ivory Waynan's sister sitting on a couch in the residence hall, laughing loudly at something that clearly isn't funny...flips back...
MOM: They are still screaming. Why are they still screaming?
JACINTA: It's still DJ Khaled.
MOM: What is wrong with young black people these days?
JACINTA: Actually, he's not even black. But he still gets to say "nigga."
MOM: Hell, he is a nigga. All of these people are niggas... even Eminem. I saw him on 60 Minutes. He is really sad. Smart, but sad.
....flips to see DeWayne Wayne running for Mrs. Hillman in an especially retarded episode...flips back...
MOM: Who is she?
JACINTA: Diamond...or Princess. Nah, I think Diamond.
MOM: Is she rapping? [looks baffled]. Is that rap? What is she doing? Is she rapping?
MOM: Sooooo, if what she's doing is considered rap, why didn't you make it? God must just not have wanted you in this dirty entertainment industry.
JACINTA: Yay! Royce Da 5'9. I love him.
MOM: [frowning] Ew, I don't. Why does he have so many tattoos?
JACINTA: [ignoring MOM]. Ha, he said "...loaded with a baby Cannon like Mariah.." Hee.
MOM: Huh? What does that mean?
JACINTA: Nick Cannon is married to Mariah Carey and she's pregnant. It's a punchline.
MOM: [stares blankly]
.....back to a terribly dressed Lisa Bonet awkwardly flitting around Dewayne....flips back...
MOM: Oh, ok, I know this J.Cole guy. I think I heard him on the radio. Yeah, this comes on the radio. [bobs head awkwardly].
JACINTA: J.Cole is great. I've decided he's future. And he's cute. [bats eyelashes].
MOM: Ok, yes. Now this, this is hip-hop. I can understand what he's saying. This is real hip-hop. He actually has a message.
JACINTA: Mom, you don't know real hip hop.
MOM: Yes, I do, from back in my day.
MOM: Yes, it started back in my day! What do you think the Last Poets were? Hip Hop! Gil-Scott Heron? Hip Hop!
JACINTA: Ok, mom. You know hip hop.
After that, my mom left to get on the phone and never returned to watch the rest of the show. I stayed for a few more minutes, mostly to watch B.O.B., who did great despite the terrible sound, the buddy, Yeller (Yelawolf) get a great look on a national show and see Cy-Hi Da Prince (who I recognized as star back when he was still in that group, Hoodlum, that was signed to Jazzy Pha's label...*pats self on the back*). All in all, it was an unexpetedly entertaining evening. Thanks, mom.