Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The BET Hip Hop Awards: Courtesy of My Mother

So last night I accidentally watched the majority of the BET Hip Hop Awards. It turned out to be far more entertaining than I thought for one reason: my mother. Below is a partial transcript of my mother's take on the show.

JACINTA: You're watching the BET Hip Hop Awards? [makes strange face].

MOM: [shrugs] I just turned the TV on and this is what was on.

JACINTA: Oh, I was watching The Game earlier.

....About 15 minutes into the broadcast.....

MOM: Why are they yelling? Why? What is wrong with them? ....Why are they screaming at me?!

JACINTA: Oh, that's just DJ Khaled. He likes to scream a lot. It's kind of his thing.

MOM: [frowning] Well, he sounds like the kids that do our announcements at school: "Yo, this is DJ C with the morning announcements!!" And then they just scream the entire way through the announcements.What is wrong with these people?

.....After flipping briefly to an especially disturbing episode of Law & Order: SVU.....flips back...

JACINTA: I'm ashamed to say I kind of like this Soulja Boy song. Me and Mike sing this all of the time: "" [dancing]...

JACINTA: Wait, there is no dance to this song? Shouldn't he be doing the Pretty Boy Swag?  He really needs a dance to this song. He looks retarded.

MOM: [Looking at Jacinta like she's retarded]. He needs to pull his pants up. He can barely move. This is not hip-hop.

JACINTA: Is that Cortez? Why do they keep showing him? He's not even a rapper. They do know that, right?

.....After flipping back to SVU and watching Olivia actually kiss a man and wear a dress....flips back...

MOM: [looks horrified] "What?! Coochie Man! What?!"

JACINTA: No, he said GUCCI Mane.

MOM: Uh-uh. I definitely heard him. He said, "Coochie" coochie man. Who are these ghetto people?

...flips back to watch the oozing sexual tension between Olivia and Stabler. Just kiss already...sheesh....flips back...

JACINTA: [Laughing hysterically] Every time I see this dude, I think of Khalil [four-year old cousin] dead-panning to his dad's friend: "Um, your baby looks like Waka Flaka Flame."

....flips back to Law & Order....

MOM: Wait, let me see Waka Waka Flocking Flooka Flame....

....flips back....

MOM: Oh, he looks crazy. What is he doing? Why is he screaming? Why is he jumping? Where is he going?

JACINTA: You know he got really famous after being shot at the gas station around the corner from where I used to stay.

MOM: [shakes head]

JACINTA: And now you see why I've been so frustrated with being a music writer for the past few years.

MOM: Yes, I do. [sighs]

MOM: Now, why is P.Diddy bobbing his head? He knows he doesn't like this shit. He knows he's thinking: "I guess I better pretend to like this..uhhhh...."

...flips briefly to A Different World, where sadly, they are still showing episodes from the first season, which all pretty much sucked...flips back...

JACINTA: Wow. It's Antoine Dodson. That guy I showed you on the Internet.

MOM: That's really him, huh? [looks impressed].

JACINTA: [stares at MOM].

MOM: It's nice that he got a house of it though.

JACINTA:  [shrugs] I guess.

....flips to see Kenan Ivory Waynan's sister sitting on a couch in the residence hall, laughing loudly at something that clearly isn't funny...flips back...

MOM: They are still screaming. Why are they still screaming?

JACINTA: It's still DJ Khaled.

MOM: What is wrong with young black people these days?

JACINTA: Actually, he's not even black. But he still gets to say "nigga."

MOM: Hell, he is a nigga. All of these people are niggas... even Eminem. I saw him on 60 Minutes. He is really sad. Smart, but sad.

....flips to see DeWayne Wayne running for Mrs. Hillman in an especially retarded episode...flips back...

MOM: Who is she?

JACINTA: Diamond...or Princess. Nah, I think Diamond.

MOM: Is she rapping? [looks baffled]. Is that rap? What is she doing? Is she rapping?


MOM: Sooooo, if what she's doing is considered rap, why didn't you make it? God must just not have wanted you in this dirty entertainment industry.

JACINTA: Yay! Royce Da 5'9. I love him.

MOM: [frowning] Ew, I don't. Why does he have so many tattoos?

JACINTA: [ignoring MOM]. Ha, he said "...loaded with a baby Cannon like Mariah.." Hee.

MOM: Huh? What does that mean?

JACINTA: Nick Cannon is married to Mariah Carey and she's pregnant. It's a punchline.

MOM: [stares blankly]

.....back to a terribly dressed Lisa Bonet awkwardly flitting around Dewayne....flips back...

MOM: Oh, ok, I know this J.Cole guy. I think I heard him on the radio. Yeah, this comes on the radio. [bobs head awkwardly].

JACINTA: J.Cole is great. I've decided he's future. And he's cute. [bats eyelashes].

MOM: Ok, yes. Now this, this is hip-hop. I can understand what he's saying. This is real hip-hop. He actually has a message.

JACINTA: Mom, you don't know real hip hop.

MOM: Yes, I do, from back in my day.


MOM: Yes, it started back in my day! What do you think the Last Poets were? Hip Hop! Gil-Scott Heron? Hip Hop!

JACINTA: Ok, mom. You know hip hop.

After that, my mom left to get on the phone and never returned to watch the rest of the show. I stayed for a few more minutes, mostly to watch B.O.B., who did great despite the terrible sound, the buddy, Yeller (Yelawolf) get a great look on a national show and see Cy-Hi Da Prince (who I recognized as star back when he was still in that group, Hoodlum, that was signed to Jazzy Pha's label...*pats self on the back*). All in all, it was an unexpetedly entertaining evening. Thanks, mom.

The End.

1 comment:

Max said...

Interesting experience of BET hipcrap awards :)